It was a very excruciating day. First my whole body felt like it had been in a vice. My head hurt. The squeezing, crushing, pushing feeling that gripes you at one time or another, now had a hold on my whole body. I think back and guess I could say it was a fearful experience, to put it mildly.

The blinding light was more than I could stand the slap was a shock and I burst out in tears. How could this be happening to me? Me who had never done anything to anybody. I was always the good girl. All I had ever heard my whole life was, “how sweet I was, and what a wonderful person I was”. And how happy everybody was going to be with me.

I was scared. This was not a way to treat someone that is supposed to be loved and cared for. I was scared.


I was going to fall!! I knew it. That was one thing I was sure of falling. I don’t know how I knew about falling, but I did. I flailed my arms about in a nervous jerk. I was going to fall. I KNEW I was. I felt like I was being tossed from person to person, like a ship on the wild seas!

The weather here was the worse. First the temperature was wonderful. Soothing, soft mellowed out type of day. Then after all the upheaval I had gone through the temperature had dropped drastically! I was so cold I know I must have turned a slight shade of blue. With all of my “boo-hooing” I must say I turned a nice pink and red all over. I was getting mad. I knew how to do that very well. Did they know my screams and cries were from being scared and mad? I don’t think these people cared one way or another.

My abusers were cruel they slapped me, talked down to me. They were loud and obnoxious. They laughed at me. I’m placed in a bed. Did they know just how much pain and confusion I was in today? Did the sheets have to be so stiff? Couldn’t they at least give me a blanket? I’m cold and confused, could someone please help me!

Like they could read my mind I got my blanket. But where were they taking me now? It was in such a rush. I was crying. I could here water running. Now what? I had stopped crying for just a brief moment and seemed to be feeling better, until this!

The blanket was ripped from me and I was placed under running water. Was this “Water Boarding”? Were they were giving me a bath!! I thought this was odd, as I was not dirty, to my way thinking. I had never done anything to get dirty, ever. But this didn’t stop them. They were even scrubbing my hair. My beautiful red hair, it must look a fright now! My sobs could be heard all over the room now, like echoes in a ceramic cave.

This was the lesser of the pain and anguish I had gone through in the past 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes, is that all it had been? It seemed like an eternity. I knew no one here. Did I know anyone in the other room? I can’t seem to think clearly, it has been such a blur. The loud voices, the yelling, and the slapping me around, how much more can I take?

Could they read my mind, or maybe it was body language-I was cold again. Maybe I was blue again. Maybe all the scrubbing has cause me to turn no telling what color! But like they knew I couldn’t stand any more. It stopped. Now I was having restricting clothing placed on my body. Why? I couldn’t figure this out at all. This rough, scratchy shirt, and this belt, all tight around my stomach, are they trying to kill me. I thought I couldn’t catch my breath. And yes, I was crying again. Seems like at this time of my life that is all I do now. When will this insanity stop? Was I going to die? So many things going on in my mind and all I could do was cry. Who would save me from all this?

Something wonderful was happening. I was given a blanket back, and this time, a warm one. They wrapped me like a mummy. It was strange. I really liked the feeling of being snug. Things are getting much better. At least they are not slapping me any more. I have stopped crying and find myself very, very tired. Did they give me something to make me feel like this? I’m trying to sort things out in my mind, but sleep is over coming me. I close my eyes and sleep. Wonderful, peaceful sleep, I am blocking out the bright lights, and the noise. Do I hear others crying like I was? I can’t tell right now, I am sleeping from pure exhaustion.

The movement of my bed shakes me awake. I am startled. But I don’t want to cry this time. Did the deep sleep I just had help me to cope with the moving of my bed?

The voices I hear are saying what a beautiful person I am, how red my hair, how blue my eyes, and what a beautiful complexion I had now. Well, it’s about time someone tells me nice things. Did they see me earlier today? How long has it been now? And hour? I don’t know I’m still confused with time and place. So many people, so many strange faces, the things I have seen in the short time that I can remember are blurred. Still not feeling wanted, more like they are just putting up with me because it’s their job.

Where am I going? Where are they taking me now? What is that strange feeling in my body? I don’t like this. Not one bit. But I’m not going to cry. Every time I cry something happens. But is it good or bad? Most of what I remember is not bad anymore. I cried and things got better, I got to sleep! Yes, I want to sleep. So should I cry again? Maybe I’ll just wait and see if things get worse.

Then it happened! Some things are making a little sense now. I looked up to the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen. The most soothing voice I have ever heard. The love in this sound you can feel. I had not felt it in any of the voices I had heard so far today. This was wonderful. What was I feeling? This person puts their arms around me. Hey, I like this! I feel lips on my face. I look deep into the green eyes and I see a smile on the most beautiful face in the world.
I smell something. It makes my body feel, different. My stomach reacts and I don’t like what I am feeling. I start to cry, again!

This wonderful person offers me something. A liquid for the Gods!! It was THE most tantalizing thing I have ever had in my life. I don’t ever remember anything like this. Did I have this before all the upheaval today? I can’t think now, I can only indulge in the most delightful nourishment ever. Is this liquid addictive? The comfort of these arms, the soothing sweetness of the voice, this fluid nectar causes me to go to that marvelous place, sleep.

I wanted to know just what was going on, who was this woman? Why did I feel so safe? Was this most wonderful feeling called, Love? I want more. My head is now soothed with all of this attention. The voice is now only one. She keep saying she loves me. Kissing me. Rocking me gently in her strong arms, back and forth, I won’t be able to understand for quite a long time just who this wonderful woman is, that is telling me to sleep, feel safe, not to worry about anything. No body was going to hurt me now and I could have this hypnotic drink any time I wanted. I need not cry anymore.

The only lasting memory that stays deep within me for almost a year is the sweet smell of her breast. The softness of her touch and the tenderness of her lips, the loving sound of her name, -----------------------


“Mama.”