P.S. I LOVE YOU

I Love You!


One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't anymore... No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more 'just one minute.'

Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, or say 'I love you.'

So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage, old cars,children with bad report cards, dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents.
We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them close.

Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking.........I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.

Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do.

Live today to the fullest because tomorrow is not promised. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it!
P.S. I LOVE YOU!

THE YEAR I WAS BORN!

In 1946 (the year you were born)

Harry Truman is president of the US The first meeting of the United Nations General Assembly opens During a speech in Missouri, Churchill declares an "iron curtain" has descended across Europe The bikini two-piece bathing suit is introduced, named after the "ultimate impact" of the atomic testing in Bikini Atoll A strike by 400,000 mine workers and other industries begins Congress passes the Atomic Energy Act Cher, Donald Trump, George W. Bush, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Spielberg, and Bill Clinton are born St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series Chicago Bears win the NFL championship Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup B.B. King's musical career begins

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

Lucky Do Road

I'd go for long walks with my grandfather as a little girl. When I'd visit him and Grandma it was hard to find things to do. So sometimes he'd take my hand and we'd cross the dirt road and head for the Lucky Do Road.
The Lucky Do Road was the most luckiest road in the world. As we walked Grandpa would show me things like little birds sittin' on the fence. And he say, " Little Bird, Little Bird sittin on the fence. Trying to make a dollar out of fifty cents! Or we'd see a red bird and he'd tell me, "You have to say, Red Bird, Red Bird Red Bird True. Someone's coming I'm not expecting to" If you could say that 3 times before the bird flew away, you'd have company before you got back to the house! It always worked! Someone would be visiting Grandma when we got back.
But most and best about the old dirt road was you always found something really special! One time we found a sack of bubble gum on the way back home. One time I remember finding a red ball. It went perfectly with the jacks he had at home for me! Why my boy cousin, Tommy, found a real pocket knife! He got to keep it because he was older and could do things with it. Him and Grandpa would whittle on some wood and make things. Mostly I think they made messes for Grandma to clean up!
One time we got to walk all the way down to the rail road track and walk on them for a little ways. It was always a grand time when Grandpa would take me for those long walks.
The naps we would take when we got back home were good too. I was always tired. It seemed we walked miles and miles.
The dirt road now is all paved and only about 4 blocks long. But for a shot legged little girl, it seemed it went on for ever. And all the wonderful things we did find too! I, for almost all my life, thought the Lucky Do Road was in deed lucky! And maybe sometimes it was, but now I think about it, we only found things coming back. I always walked in front of him going and coming! But he was the one that would tell me to keep looking down for something lucky! And I'd always find it! Do you think he planted these great gifts? Maybe, but I still like to think of it as just lucky!
Do Grandpas still do that for their little red headed grand daughters? I sure hope so!

ZYDECO--EYE EEEEEE!

ZYDECO!!! Just a few short years ago I had never heard of Zydeco, much less the music!

We moved to Orange, Texas in the year 2000. I had never heard of Orange, Texas either. One day my husband turned the radio on to some very strange sounds. Dare I call it music? I couldn't stand it. They even had a station that played nothing but!! How could anybody stand such! But every morning the alarm would go off and the God awful sound would come on! I got to where I liked the alarm better than the music!
We were coming back from Beaumont one afternoon and passed a little cafe called "Larry's". They advertised crawfish, one of my husbands favorite foods. Another thing I had never heard of.
In my growing up days, we called them crawdads and they lived in the mud and you took a piece of bacon, tied a string around it, put it down the crawdad hole and he'd grab it with his little ole pinchers.
I never heard of this horrible creature that you pulled their heads off and sucked their brains out! But never the less we stopped and went in. I could always order shrimp. Now that was good food!
This little place had a dance floor and a "band", consisting of 3 men, one playing a "squeeze box", one playing a fiddle, and one playing a washboard while some how blowing on a "juice harp".
Oh NO, this was Zydeco!! Now I was gonna eat and listen to Zydeco! Can this get any worse?
Of course you know the answer is always YES!
I fixed my salad and started to look around. This was not a dive, this was not a night club, this was a family restaurant! They served beer, but just about every place we went served beer. Not like up here in Arkansas. Now this was not late at night but evening, supper time!
On the dance floor was several couples. One was an elderly man and a very young girl. Look liked his grand daughter! What was going on here?? Another couple was this woman dancing with a young man about the age of six! Then I looked and there was a man dancing with a baby, a grand mother looking lady dancing with a grandpa!
The more I looked around the more I started to giggle. I told Preston we were in some kind of strange place. He said, "No, we were in Cajun Country"! That the people here were a happy bunch and to listen to the words of the music, it was all happy!
And ya know what, it was. Happy. And I learned to love the music. It is like no other. And you don't hear it any other place but in Cajun Country!
Growing up in a dry home not to mention in a dry county, seeing beer sold everywhere was strange to me, even at my age. We would go to festivals almost every weekend. Those little towns would celebrate just about anything. And as always there was beer! Some bands would play and you brought your own lawn chair and cooler. Grand dads danced with babies, young men danced with old ladies! All the family had a good time. And NEVER did I see anybody get drunk, disorderly, or ugly. And there weren't even a lot of law enforcement. People just knew how to party and get along!
One time we went to Lake Charles to see Percy Sledge, now that is getting into deep Cajun Country. It was a big civic center, and along the edges were vendors selling some of the best food I have ever eaten. This is were I had my first taste of alligator on a stick. The one thing I pointed out to Preston was the cheerleaders booth, selling beer! Not the cheerleaders, the parents. Like our groups here at home selling burgers for the football boys!
It is a strange land and strange bunch of people, but some of the truest forms of deep rooted heritage ever to be found. You can taste it in their food, feel it in their music, and know it in their friendships! I shall always love my Cajun friends, and their wonderful Zydeco! Even if I still think it all sounds pretty much a like!

IN MY NEXT LIFE!

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that
out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home
feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work
40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too
young to work. So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, and
party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary
school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy y.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like
condition s: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally... you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Josh Show's his love to Melissa It's Better Together!

Topper Loves Mama

Welcome To The World, Baby Girl-Dani's first video

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ... ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice ma de with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity!!

GOOD ADVICE

ATTORNEY'S ADVICE - NO CHARGE



Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday. Maybe we should all take some of his advice! A corporate Attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.


1. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put 'PHOTO ID REQUIRED.'

2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the ! complete account number on the 'For' line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access to it.

3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home Phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks. (DUH!)
You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have It printed, anyone can get it.

4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to Call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a Photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a Name, address, Social Security
number, credit cards.

Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my Wallet
was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(S) ordered an Expensive
monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information on-line, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

5. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card Numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.

6. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit Providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an Investigation (if there ever is one).

But here's what is perhaps most important of all: (I never even thought
to do this.)

7. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations Immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and also call the Social Security fraud line number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over The Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your Credit knows your information was stolen, and
they have to contact you by Phone to authorize new credit.

By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft,
all the damage had been done. There are records of all the Credit checks
initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.

Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet,
etc., has been stolen:

1.) Equifax: 800-525-6285

2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 888-397-3742

3.) Trans Union: 800-6807289

4.) Social Security
Administration (fraud line):800-269-0271



If you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone that you care about

I Wish You Enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

I Was Never Young

A Time when I was young. Gee that sounds so long ago. I don't think I was ever young. Little, but not young. You know how it is when you meet little kids and they talk and act so mature and grown up for their age. Well, I was that kind of little girl. Maybe it was because I was the only child and only around adults until school. But I always remember knowing what they were talking about. I hate card games. I think the reason is when I was very young, maybe a year or less, my parents would have others over to play cards. No TV or radio for them, they were very young and very poor. This was 1947. I'd cry. Or fuss, I don't remember this, however,I have been told about it several times. Mother said she would hold me for awhile then put me to bed. She said I would cry every time I saw them set the table for cards. Now that's a pretty good reason for not liking to play card games. Besides, I was never good at them! I remember having several babysitters. You see I was way before "Day Care"! Any day care centers back then would have gone broke fast! My mother was the only mother working. I don't ever remember her being home with me,that is until I was almost grown. I was 12 when she quit work and was a stay at home mom. She had remarried. But the baby sitters I had were the worse! I guess they were hard to find. One girl they got for me was from Mexico. They would drive down to Tijuana and get this young girl, a teen ager I think, and keep her for 2 weeks and then take her back for a week-end with her family. She only lasted a month. The rule of the house, I was to say home. In my yard. Oh by the way, this poor child could not speak a word of English! I'd tell her I was going to go play at so-in-so's house and she'd jabber something and I'd holler back over my shoulder,"No compredi" "NO Savi" When they took her back for her visit with her parents, she wouldn't come back. Said I was to hard to take care of! Imagine that! I did learn to eat frijoles for breakfast!! She didn't know how to cook. I failed to mention, this was one of my Dad's ideas. I spent lots of time with my wonderful Aunt and Uncle in Topanga, California. This is just off the Malibu coast on the Pacific Highway. Some of the most beautiful sights I can remember. Not now, to many homes, cars, smog! This was BEFORE SMOG!! OMG!! I feel older that dirt! I will leave this and just see if it comes on the blog or goes poof! Either way, I had a good time thinking of the time when I was little...was never young!

AS I'VE MATURED

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

I've learned that I'll never stop learning, unless I'm dead.

And this is all I have to say about the subject!

NO APRIL FOOLS

I am way too old to pull April fools jokes and never did like to really fool anybody with made up stories. I didn't mind putting dried pinto beans in the kids peanut butter sandwiches or salt in the coffee. You know stupid kinda jokes. But to just tell someone something that would scare or up set them, I never went for.

So when my VERY PREGNANT daughter was going to bed 11 years ago March 31, 1997 I told her NOT to call me telling me she was going into labor! She had been in pre-term labor several times. We even spent 2 weeks in a Little Rock Hospital thinking we were going to have a real early baby!! She promised me she wouldn't. But I know my daughter and she is the type to pull those kind of pranks!! Sure enough at 7 am the morning of April 1, 1997 she calls me saying she thinks she is in real labor. I told her I didn't believe her and for her to call me later when she got to the hospital!

About the time I was leaving for work, my sister in law calls and tells me she is at the hospital with MY daughter and the nurses are telling her Missy up to a 5, what ever that meant! OH, Shoot! I have over 30 minutes of drive time to travel to get there in time. I also ask again if this wasn't just another great April Fool joke. She reassured me it was not!! Now I was really feeling bad, not to believe my only daughter when she is giving birth to her very first child! What a bad mother I was!! So away I went.

I got to the hospital just when they were giving her the epidural. Thank goodness,I didn't have to see my baby in much pain! Which is a good thing for grandmothers.

Now I am a nurse, been one since 1974, have seen lots of babies brought into this old world. Even helped in delivery without the doctor a time or two. So it wasn't going to be a big deal. Also this was not my first grandchild. I had 3 boys already. Two I was there for the grand opening, but not really there for the grand opening!! If ya know what I mean, I was in the waiting room with all the other grandmas. So this was gonna be a piece of cake! Yeah, right!!

My other 3 grands were my son's boys. Now this was MY baby girl! Things are NOT the same!! She wanted me to stay with her and help her. I was now the coach! Her dad got to pace out in the halls where he said men are supposed to be. Well, things were going along just like they had been since the beginning of time. The epidural wasn't working on one side. I told her she was only getting half the fun of child birth!!I had nothing with her. She zipped in so fast!

Where is the daddy of this child you ask? They had a big split up and were separated and she didn't want him anywhere around. I told her this was not a place for this grandma!!

The fetal monitor was really acting up and just about the time the baby was in the birth canal, the whole damn machine went crazy and stopped! The nurse looked at the doctor and the doctor looked at the nurse and I'm yelling what's going on! She picks Missy by the hips and lifts her up and down, off the bed almost! Then everything was back on track. She smiled and said the baby was laying on the cord and she had to shake him off! Hell, I was about to faint!

I was helping Missy with breathing and things were going pretty well and the doctor said "Grandma, you wanna see your grandson enter the world?", I of course said yeah, and looked! I thought something was wrong for sure. The head was only about the size of a small base ball, not like I had seen before. But then the there was a normal size head and what did I see the doctor do? Stand up and pull something from my grand babies neck. It was the cord!! Oh my gosh! 10,000,000 things went through my brain then...I would have fainted if I thought Missy would not have had a fit! Then one good push and the sweetest, purple/blue baby boy was born!

What seemed like an forever before he gave out a big cry and turned as pink as he could be!! Now the doctor turned him around to cut the cord and looked at me to see if I wanted to do the honors, and I shook my head no, I couldn't talk, I was crying so! And about that time the Hunter pees all over the doctor! From head to chest!! I was laughing so hard and crying too, Missy was so scared that something was wrong! The nurse had to tell her things were OK!

They put William Hunter on the scales and he hit 6lb. something oz. Lots of hair, and big black eyes! We were told babies born this soon would be bald, and low birth weight. Well, he Fooled them!! I went over and was having a good look at this kid that caused me so much concern all these months and moments. He looked at me and I got down right in front of him, and told him who I was. I licked my lips and stuck out my tongue and low and behold he did it too!! I told them what was going on and when the doctor was finished with Missy, he came over that said he had seen proud Granny's before but I was the worse. I told him to watch. The baby was just laying there looking around like he was wondering just were he had landed. I got down close to his face, talked softly to him and then when I knew he was looking at me I stuck out my tongue and licked my lips and guess what! HE DID TOO!! The doc said "I'll be damn". And walk out telling the nurse what I was doing!!

Needless to say this has been the smartest grandson I have! He is the best baseball player in town and I know I'm not bragging. It's just fact! NO APRIL FOOL HERE!! But I have made it a rule not to be at any bedside of any family member when they are giving birth!! I'm just too old and get to upset!! And besides, if I did I'd have the kid doing math before they left the hospital..........NOW that's APRIL FOOL!!!

MOTHER NATURE AND NATURE APRIL FOOL

Mother called me this morning, not to ask about the storm, she didn't know. She called to tell me her April Fool! She got up to go to the bathroom about 7 am. Dad told her to her to go on first and he'd be right behind her. They have a one bath home. Mom went into the bath room and thought she saw a long black ribbon. She thought "where did that come from?", I don't have any black ribbons. She didn't have her glasses on and thought maybe it was something I had left. I had just spent the week-end. She walked over to the "ribbon" and it moved!! She yelled out to dad there was a snake in the bathroom, but he wears hearing aids and didn't have them in and didn't hear a words that came out of her mouth! She ran? Mom can't run, she scooted fast into the kitchen and got her meat cleaver! Came back and bent over and chopped the snake in two! Dad was making his way down the hall and coming into the bathroom when he ask her what was she doing? She yelled "Choppin a Snake" he said well hurry up, I'm gonna wet my pajamas! She kept trying to chop the wiggly snake, now two wiggling snakes! They couldn't see just where it's head was from it's tail! Daddy said, "no need to just keep chopin, he's gonna bite you if ya don't get back." She called my brother to come and see the snake and tell them what kind it was. He thought it was an April Fool joke and told her he'd be down later. She said "No, you won't, you get down her right now! He knew then she was not joking. She said,"you can't wait too long dad has wet his pajamas and I think I soiled my gown, we need you to get the snake out of the bathroom PDQ!" What a day this has been! April Tornado, to April Snakes in the bathroom! One April 1,1950 something- when I was a teen ager,we had no clothes dryer, I had to go out to the clothes line to get me some clean under panties. I brought in the whole line of clothes for mama and laid them on her bed. I flipped through the pile and was getting out my panties when I saw something black in the crotch of them!! It was a big black and yellow bumblebee!! I screamed and through them all away across the room! Mama thought I had gone crazy and wanted to know if this was a joke! I said, "No joke unless you put that bee in my panties"!! She laughed and to this day thinks it was funny. I've heard of a bee in your bonnet but not ever one in your bloomers! The funny thing would have been if I had put them on and gotten stung! Wouldn't the doctor have a laugh!!

I had the most wonderful Aunt Sissy in the world. I thought that was MY name for her and was hurt when my cousins called her that tool.

She was like a mother, grandmother, and friend all rolled up into one.

My only brother has 2 children. His son has just called me Aunt Carolyn. Not a real lovey Dovie name. But I wasn't that kind of Aunt to him. But when they had their little girl, I was thrilled to be THE AUNT like my Aunt Sissy.

I called my self Aunt Sissy to her. We all called me Aunt Sissy! Until SHE could talk!!
Her daddy was always calling her "Little Sissy" and I guess she love it and thought it HER NAME!

One day, while I was babysitting I told her to come to Aunt Sissy and be good. She was into something or other. As always!! She was and still is a very busy little girl!! She turned around and looked me in the eyes and shouted, " You NOT SISSY", "ME, SISSY, YOU SASSY"!!

I laughed so hard! She was one not to talk where you could understand her very well. We always said she was speaking in unknown tongues! We called her speech "Amyneese"! But this day she was loud and clear! YOU SASSY!!
When my brother heard the story he ask her, "who took care of you today?" And to our surprise, she blurted out, "AUNT SASSY"

Out of all her jabbering she was always clear who I was. And the name has stuck. With every body! Mama and Daddy, my brother and his wife, his son, my sons, neighbors, & friends!

My brother has always given nicknames to his friends and their friends, and they have stuck. So I guess Amy is coming along in his footsteps! We come from a town that gave everybody nicknames! My Dad was called "Bird" and some, that are still around, know him by that name today! My brother was given the name "Hoot", some still call him that too! I have been gone to long to remember all the names, but one of these days, if I ever get to sit down with Ken, I will ask him to reveal the names and why they were given! That will be a story in it self!!

Southern Drawl Words Translated

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Northern schools. As us Southerns know the language well!
The following are excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage “Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow. “Usage “My
brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage
“A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage “Them
bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts back.”

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t
change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage “Gee, I hope that brother of mine
from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT - (noun), (verb) — a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage “We Southerners are
willin’ to fat for are rats.”

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage “Just set that bare rat cheer.”

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage “He’s did, Jim.”

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage “He cain’t
breathe…give ‘im some ARE!”or "he's did,Jim, cuz he cain't git any are"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE - a contraction. Usage “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED - (verb) — past tense of “to see”. Usage "I seed Jim a com'in frum a fur piece away."

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.” "View ever seed a smart one?"

MOM~ Mean Old Mother

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D."

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D ..
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best. "

I said "No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C .S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?"


LOVE,
MOM (Mean Old Mother)

Spring Classes For Men

Spring Classes for Men

@ the
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
PULASKI TECHNICAL COMMUNITY COLLEGE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED


by Monday, March 31, 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIF FICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Thought I'd Die Laughing

Ever notice how some see things as funny. And others just turn their head and roll their eyes? How, to you, it is so funny that you think you're not going to be able to breathe for laughing so hard? I was about 12 when my best friends uncle died. I had been with her a time or two when she took his supper to him. He as old. I think he was the oldest man I had ever seen. He was all time needing a shave, and his long johns were dirty. I didn't like it much going to his little shack out behind her house. It seemed cruel for him to be there all alone. But he was and this was a totally different world I was living in now. I had just moved to this little town the year before. Didn't know anybody but was sure I'd make friends, I always did when we moved. And we moved a lot. I had make a good friend with Gayle. She was a tom boy like me. We loved to ride our bikes,and climb trees and she could spit better than any boy I have ever seen!! We had really had some fun times playing in the little town of Fulton. This uncle of Gayle's died one day. I don't know if he just died in his sleep or if he had gone to a hospital or just how it happened. But I remember she called me and ask me if I'd go to the funeral with her. She was going to have to wear a dress and if she was gonna, she wanted me to wear one too! I didn't mind the dress thing, had to wear them to school, but a funeral!! I had never known anyone that had died before, much less gone to a real funeral. I was excited! It was as hot as three kinds of hell the day of the funeral. This was back when there was NO A/C! Didn't miss it back then. The church was almost empty. I guess most of his friends had gone on before him. But their was a man that sat in front of us that had on this starched white shirt.I guess he had sat there long enough to really sweat and stick to the pew, because when he leaned forward the shirt stuck. Like someone was holding on to him. The more he leaned forward the more the shirt would pull away from the pew. It sounded just like it was ripping. Well, I looked at Gayle and she looked at me and we both started to snicker. I knew we were gonna get into some big kind of trouble if we didn't stop,AND NOW! Well, Gayle looked away and I looked at the man with the stuck shirt and started laughing harder. The harder I laughed the harder I tried not to. My shoulders were shaking. My face was red, my eyes had tears steaming down from them. One little old lady next to me patted my hand and said in a very soft kindly voice,"Now, now dear, it's going to be alright." SHE thought I was crying!! I laughed harder. By this time Gayle was shaking and holding her nose as not to breathe. We both closed our eyes and put the hankies our mothers had given us earlier, to our faces. We both shook...with laughter. Now the whole church was watching us. Later we learned,everyone was thinking, how sad those darlin' little girls were, over the loss of this dear old man that hardly any body remembered. I'm not sure if we ever told anybody that we weren't crying. It was nice to be thought of as grieving little girls. We'd had our butts torn up if our parents ever found out the truth!!

HOW TO CLEAN HOUSE

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want

To delete Housework permanently?"

6. Calmly answer,"Yes,"and press mouse button FIRMLY.....

7. Feel better?

WORKS FOR ME!

BEFORE I WAS A MOM

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or knew the words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. Or drooled on! I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

It was a very excruciating day. First my whole body felt like it had been in a vice. My head hurt. The squeezing, crushing, pushing feeling that gripes you at one time or another, now had a hold on my whole body. I think back and guess I could say it was a fearful experience, to put it mildly.

The blinding light was more than I could stand the slap was a shock and I burst out in tears. How could this be happening to me? Me who had never done anything to anybody. I was always the good girl. All I had ever heard my whole life was, “how sweet I was, and what a wonderful person I was”. And how happy everybody was going to be with me.

I was scared. This was not a way to treat someone that is supposed to be loved and cared for. I was scared.


I was going to fall!! I knew it. That was one thing I was sure of falling. I don’t know how I knew about falling, but I did. I flailed my arms about in a nervous jerk. I was going to fall. I KNEW I was. I felt like I was being tossed from person to person, like a ship on the wild seas!

The weather here was the worse. First the temperature was wonderful. Soothing, soft mellowed out type of day. Then after all the upheaval I had gone through the temperature had dropped drastically! I was so cold I know I must have turned a slight shade of blue. With all of my “boo-hooing” I must say I turned a nice pink and red all over. I was getting mad. I knew how to do that very well. Did they know my screams and cries were from being scared and mad? I don’t think these people cared one way or another.

My abusers were cruel they slapped me, talked down to me. They were loud and obnoxious. They laughed at me. I’m placed in a bed. Did they know just how much pain and confusion I was in today? Did the sheets have to be so stiff? Couldn’t they at least give me a blanket? I’m cold and confused, could someone please help me!

Like they could read my mind I got my blanket. But where were they taking me now? It was in such a rush. I was crying. I could here water running. Now what? I had stopped crying for just a brief moment and seemed to be feeling better, until this!

The blanket was ripped from me and I was placed under running water. Was this “Water Boarding”? Were they were giving me a bath!! I thought this was odd, as I was not dirty, to my way thinking. I had never done anything to get dirty, ever. But this didn’t stop them. They were even scrubbing my hair. My beautiful red hair, it must look a fright now! My sobs could be heard all over the room now, like echoes in a ceramic cave.

This was the lesser of the pain and anguish I had gone through in the past 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes, is that all it had been? It seemed like an eternity. I knew no one here. Did I know anyone in the other room? I can’t seem to think clearly, it has been such a blur. The loud voices, the yelling, and the slapping me around, how much more can I take?

Could they read my mind, or maybe it was body language-I was cold again. Maybe I was blue again. Maybe all the scrubbing has cause me to turn no telling what color! But like they knew I couldn’t stand any more. It stopped. Now I was having restricting clothing placed on my body. Why? I couldn’t figure this out at all. This rough, scratchy shirt, and this belt, all tight around my stomach, are they trying to kill me. I thought I couldn’t catch my breath. And yes, I was crying again. Seems like at this time of my life that is all I do now. When will this insanity stop? Was I going to die? So many things going on in my mind and all I could do was cry. Who would save me from all this?

Something wonderful was happening. I was given a blanket back, and this time, a warm one. They wrapped me like a mummy. It was strange. I really liked the feeling of being snug. Things are getting much better. At least they are not slapping me any more. I have stopped crying and find myself very, very tired. Did they give me something to make me feel like this? I’m trying to sort things out in my mind, but sleep is over coming me. I close my eyes and sleep. Wonderful, peaceful sleep, I am blocking out the bright lights, and the noise. Do I hear others crying like I was? I can’t tell right now, I am sleeping from pure exhaustion.

The movement of my bed shakes me awake. I am startled. But I don’t want to cry this time. Did the deep sleep I just had help me to cope with the moving of my bed?

The voices I hear are saying what a beautiful person I am, how red my hair, how blue my eyes, and what a beautiful complexion I had now. Well, it’s about time someone tells me nice things. Did they see me earlier today? How long has it been now? And hour? I don’t know I’m still confused with time and place. So many people, so many strange faces, the things I have seen in the short time that I can remember are blurred. Still not feeling wanted, more like they are just putting up with me because it’s their job.

Where am I going? Where are they taking me now? What is that strange feeling in my body? I don’t like this. Not one bit. But I’m not going to cry. Every time I cry something happens. But is it good or bad? Most of what I remember is not bad anymore. I cried and things got better, I got to sleep! Yes, I want to sleep. So should I cry again? Maybe I’ll just wait and see if things get worse.

Then it happened! Some things are making a little sense now. I looked up to the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen. The most soothing voice I have ever heard. The love in this sound you can feel. I had not felt it in any of the voices I had heard so far today. This was wonderful. What was I feeling? This person puts their arms around me. Hey, I like this! I feel lips on my face. I look deep into the green eyes and I see a smile on the most beautiful face in the world.
I smell something. It makes my body feel, different. My stomach reacts and I don’t like what I am feeling. I start to cry, again!

This wonderful person offers me something. A liquid for the Gods!! It was THE most tantalizing thing I have ever had in my life. I don’t ever remember anything like this. Did I have this before all the upheaval today? I can’t think now, I can only indulge in the most delightful nourishment ever. Is this liquid addictive? The comfort of these arms, the soothing sweetness of the voice, this fluid nectar causes me to go to that marvelous place, sleep.

I wanted to know just what was going on, who was this woman? Why did I feel so safe? Was this most wonderful feeling called, Love? I want more. My head is now soothed with all of this attention. The voice is now only one. She keep saying she loves me. Kissing me. Rocking me gently in her strong arms, back and forth, I won’t be able to understand for quite a long time just who this wonderful woman is, that is telling me to sleep, feel safe, not to worry about anything. No body was going to hurt me now and I could have this hypnotic drink any time I wanted. I need not cry anymore.

The only lasting memory that stays deep within me for almost a year is the sweet smell of her breast. The softness of her touch and the tenderness of her lips, the loving sound of her name, -----------------------


“Mama.”

Judge NOT!

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,the alcoholics, the trash!!
There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

"And why's everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue."

"Hush, child," said He, "they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you."

Judge NOT.

Something To Think About!

Take into account that great love and greater achievements involve great risk,

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

Follow the three R’s:
Respect for Self
Respect for others
Responsibility for all your actions.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Spend some time alone everyday.

Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time

A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

Remember that the best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

The other day was my mother's 84th birthday! She is the Birthday Girl. She loves them, hers and everybody else's

My mother is the leader of the birthday parties! Who ever she knows that's having a birthday, she calls and sings to them. If you are really special she will play something on the organ! I get both. She loves to give gifts and I know she loves to get them. She very seldom forgets a birthday.

She said she had to tell daddy that it was her birthday. He said, "OH, OK." Then she said, "Well, aren't you going to sing to me?" Daddy then broke into song!! "Happy Birthday, dear Sweetheart"
This wasn't even close to the tune of "Happy Birthday"!

I ask him why he didn't sing the real song to her and he said he couldn't remember the tune or the words. He said really he called her sweetheart cuz he couldn't remember her name at that time of the morning!

I'm A Hip Ole Granny

Hello to all new friends I haven't met yet! I'm a newbie here to this Blog Land. I come from Cyber Ville USA! As you can read from my profile, I am a grandmother and a proud one at that! I have 9! But sadly I only get to see 3 of them on a daily basis. From time to time I will write about them so keep coming back to check them out!
My parents are still with me and I will be telling some really funny things about them too. Mom is 84, and Dad is 92! They can do circles around me any day of the week! They are so cute and so much in love. The other day, just after their 50th wedding anniversary, mother was ask how she and dad had such a long and wonderful, lasting relationship. She thought a bit and then said, "Well, you have to learn how to play with yourself"! We all cracked up! She looked around and said, "well, yes, you have to learn how to do things alone. Things you like to do like, reading, cooking, sewing, crosswords puzzles." "You have to remember your husband can't be with you all the time to make you happy, you have to do things by yourself!"
That's just one of the many things I will be writing about. My grands give me a big laugh and will be passing those on to you too. Sometimes I will be serious, but not often, I hope. I like to write about fun and funny! So come on by and let me know how you like the old Sassy! Until then keep a smilein'